When X does his puja, I clearly see the particular form of the Mother he is invoking - I see her descending. page 213 , Mother's Agenda , volume 1 , 25th Oct. - 1958 |
Last night, I thought, 'My god! If I have to ...' Individually, with this one or that one, by selecting the best, I could get somewhere, but this ... this mass.' Swami had told me so - he told me immediately after his first meditation (collective meditation at the Ashram playground), he told me, 'The stuff is not good!' (Mother laughs) page 215 , Mother's Agenda , volume 1 , 2nd Nov. - 1958 |
Later on, when Sri Aurobindo left his body, I said to myself, 'If only I knew what he had known, it would be easier!' So when Swami and later X came, I thought, 'I am going to take advantage of this opportunity.' I had written to Swami that I was working on transforming the cells of the body and that I had noticed the work was going faster with X's influence. So it was understood that X would help when he came - that's how things began, and this idea has remained with X. But I have raced on - I don't wait. I've raced on, I've gone like wildfire. And now the situation is reversed. What I wanted to find out, I found out. I experienced what I wanted to experience, but he is still ... He is very kind, actually, he wants really to help me. So, when I identified with him the other day during our meditation, I realized that he wanted to give silence, control and perfect peace to the physical mind. My own 'trick,' if you will, is to have as little relationship with the physical mind as possible, to go up above and stay there - this (Mother indicates her forehead), silent, motionless, turned upwards, while That (gesture above the head) sees, acts, knows, decides - all is done from there. Only there can you feel at ease. Along the way, I once went down into this physical mind for awhile to try to set it right, to organize it a little (it was done rather quickly, I didn't stay there long). So when I went inside X, I saw ... It was rather curious, for it's the opposite of the method we follow. In his material consciousness (physical and vital), he has trained himself to be impersonal, open, limitless, in communication with all the universal forces. In the physical mind, silence, immobility. But in the speculative mind, the one there at the very top of the head ... what an organization, phew! ... All the tradition in its most superb organization, but such a ri-gi-dity! And it had a pretty quality of light, a silver blue - VERY pretty. Oh, it was very calm, wonderfully calm and quiet and still. But what a ceiling it had! - the outer form resembled rigid cubes. Everything inside was beautiful, but that ... There was a very large cube right at the top, I recall, bordered by a purple line, which is a line of power - all this was quite luminous. It looked like a pyramid; the smaller cubes formed a kind of base, the lower part of which faded into something cloudy, and then this passed imperceptibly downwards to a more material realm, or in other words, the physical mind. The cube on top was the largest and most luminous, and the least yielding - even inflexible, you could say. The others were somewhat less defined, and at the bottom it was very blurred. But up at the top! - that's where I wanted to go, right to the top. page 417-18 , Mother's Agenda , volume - 1, 20 sept. 1960 |
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But this experience with X was really interesting. I learned many
things that day, many things ... If you concentrate long enough on any
one point, you discover the Infinite (and in his own experience he found
the infinite), what could be called your own Infinite. But this is not
what WE want, not this; what we want is the direct and integral contact
between the manifested universe and the Infinite out of which this
universe has emerged. So then it is no longer an individual or personal
contact with the Infinite, it's a total contact. And Sri Aurobindo
insists on this, he says that it's absolutely impossible to have the
transformation (not the contact, but the supramental transformation)
without becoming universalized - that is the first condition. You cannot
become supramental before being universal. And to be universal means to
accept everything, be everything, become everything - really to accept
everything. And as for all those who are shut up in a system, even if it
belongs to the highest regions of thought, it is not THAT.
But to each his destiny, to each his work, to each his
realization, and to want to change someone's destiny or someone's
realization is very wrong. For it simply throws him off balance - that's
all it does. page 420 , Mother's Agenda , volume - 1, 20 sept. 1960 |
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Those people deny the reality of all physical needs.
It's quite all right when you've come TO THE END, when you have
totally mastered the body by means of the spiritual consciousness. But
until then, I don't agree - I do not at all agree.
It's the same as when X tells people, 'I am feeding you, so eat!'
And he serves you ten times more than you can put in. If you tell him,
'My stomach can't digest it,' he answers that this is nonsense: 'Eat,
and you will see!' And in fact, up above - that is, once you've mastered
it - it's perfectly true. But we aren't there yet, far from it! He
himself is sick all the time.
Then he would answer,' Everyone is sick.' - But that's no reason. page 438 , Mother's Agenda , volume 1 , 19th Oct. 1960 |
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Don't write all this down, erase it, because ... I'll speak of it
later - once it's over, when I've reached the end. I don't want it to
fall into anyone's hands by accident. And for you, keep it in your
consciousness.
(silence) I'm telling you all this because of what happened the other day. It's with such experiences that the ... the true Power is acquired. And then, at the same time, some rather interesting things are happening. Imagine, X is starting to understand certain things - that is, in his own way he is discovering the progress I am making; he's discovering it as a received teaching (through subtle channels). He wrote a letter to Amrita two or three days ago in which he translates in his own language, with his own words and his own way of speaking, exactly my most recent experiences - things that I have conquered in a general way. This interests me, for these things do not at all enter through the mind (he doesn't receive a thing there, he's closed there). So in his letter he says that this thing or that is necessary (he describes it in his own words), and he adds, 'This is why we must be so grateful to have among us the ... the great Mother* (as he puts it), the great Mother who knows these things.' - 'Good!' I said to myself. (It had to do with something specific concerning the capacity for discrimination in the outside world, the different qualities and different functions of different beings, all of which depends on one's inner construction, as it were.) So I see that even this, even these physical experiences, is received (and yet I hadn't tried, I had never tried to make him receive it); it merely works like this, you see (gesture of a widespread diffusion), and the experience is very - how should I say? - drastic, with a kind of ... (power of radiation). Imperative.page 490 , Mother's Agenda , volume - 1, 26th Nov. 1960 |
Now X is coming, and these days of meditation with trim.' What is going to happen? ... By the way, he no longer writes that he's coming to 'help the Ashram.' He wrote to Amrita that he's coming to have the opportunity (I can't exactly remember his words) ... anyway, to take advantage of his meditations with me so that he can make the necessary transformations! ... Quite a changed attitude. I had several visions concerning him which I'll tell you later. page 493 , Mother's Agenda , volume - 1, 13th Dec. 1960 |
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Last night I had two consecutive experiences showing with extreme precision that black magic is at the root of all this (Mother is speaking of both general and personal difficulties, in the Ashram and in her body).
First of all, on the mental plane (the physical-mind, the
material mind) I saw an individual.... I am not entirely certain of his
identity (when I saw him last night I didn't associate him with anyone
in particular) but from his outer appearance he is evidently a sannyasi.
He was pursuing me, blocking my way and trying to stop me from doing my
work (it was a long, long affair). But I was very conscious and could
foresee everything he was about to do, so it had no effect. After a long
while I emerged from this - I had something else to do and I left - and
on my way home he was everywhere, hiding and trying to catch me; but he
didn't succeed in doing anything. And I knew he had been acting in this
manner for a long time.
Then I woke up (I always wake up three or four times during the
night) and when I went back to bed I had an attack of what the doctor
and I have taken to be filariasis - but a strange type of filariasis,
for as soon as I master it in one spot it appears in another, and when I
master it there it reappears somewhere else. Last night it was in the
arms (it lasted quite a while, between 2:30 and 4 a.m.); but I was fully
conscious, and each time the attack came, I went like this (gestures over the arms, to drive away the attack) and
my arms were not affected at all. When it was over, I consciously
entered the most material subtle physical, just beyond the body. I was
sitting in 'my room' there (an immense, cubic room) reading or writing
something, when I heard the door open and close, but I was busy and
didn't pay attention, presuming it was one of the people usually around
me. Then suddenly I had such an unpleasant sensation in my body that I
raised my head and looked, and I saw someone there. Do you know how the
magicians in Europe dress, in short satin breeches and a shirt? ... He
was wearing something like that. He was Indian, tall and rather dark,
with slicked-down hair - what you would normally call a 'handsome young
man.' He seemed to have been 'drawn' [[Mother means drawn by a force not
his own. ]] there because he was standing in front of me staring into space, not looking at me.
[133] And the moment I saw him, there was the same sensation in all my
cells as I have with what I've been calling filariasis (it's a special,
minute kind of pain) and simultaneously all the cells felt disgust - a
tremendous will of rejection. Then I sat up straight (I didn't stand up)
and said to him as forcefully as possible, How do you dare to come in here! I said it so loudly that the noise woke me up! I don't know what happened then, but things went much better afterwards.
The moment I saw this person I knew he was only an instrument,
but a well-paid instrument - someone paid a great deal to have him do
that! I would recognize him again among hundreds ... I can still see him
... I see him more clearly than with physical eyes. He is an
unintelligent man with no personal animosity, merely a very well-paid
instrument - someone is hiding behind him, using him as a screen.
Before that experience, as part of the attack, I also got a sore
throat. I didn't believe it would manifest, but around 9:30 this morning
when I came downstairs for meditation with X, [[The tantric guru. ]]
it did. It's nothing at all, though. The whole time I was with X (and
even before, when I was waiting for him), it was halted completely -
everything in that room came to a halt. It started up again only after
he left and I came here. But it's nothing.
X told me he has been doing something for me in his puja [[Puja: ceremony, invocation or evocation of a god (in this case, a tantric ritual). ]] - since
December, it seems - so this morning I thought he should know about the
experience and I sent Amrita to tell him. He replied to Amrita that
this confirmed his certainty that Z has been making black magic against
me since December. He had been told that Z was practicing black magic in
Kashmir. Could this be the same person I saw before [during the
December 1958 attack]? Since it was someone who concealed his identity, I
can't say - but this form was robed as a sannyasi. Perhaps it's he, I
don't know. I reserve my judgment because I don't know personally. But
this is what X said, and he's going to redouble his efforts.
That's the situation. page 133-34 - Mother's Agenda , volume - 2 , 21st March 1961 |
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(Later, concerning the disciple's very traditionalist guru who falls ill each time he comes to the Ashram:) He seems to understand better. In his own way, he is 'progressive' - unfortunately, it always makes him sick! The Force is too great for his body to bear. He is used to maintaining a kind of poise, the poise of the traditional attitude of indifference towards everything material: 'It's an illusion, it has no importance, there's no need to be concerned with it. Nature is acting, not 1; Nature is acting and Nature is built like that, so why bother about it, why worry.' That's how he lived until he came here, and it's why he had this attitude of indifference. But here it began to change. And of course his body isn't used to it; it has difficulty keeping up, it lacks plasticity. The first thing he did was to go see the Doctor and ask him to heal his ear, heal his stomach, heal.... So the Doctor told him, 'But why do you eat just anything at any time of day? Naturally you're sick....' And then he was constantly running up against our ways of organizing material things here - people like him don't organize, they don't care, they just let things drift. Regarding his son, for instance, the Doctor told him, 'It's because you don't look after him. If you did, this wouldn't happen.' And X very bluntly replied, 'But why!?.. There's a gap.page 158 - Mother's Agenda, volume 2, 8th April - 1961 |
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So far, the meditations with X are much better than last time. Today especially it was very good.
It's a contemplation going right up to the Supreme, with a
constant, continuous Descent: something which doesn't waver the whole
time ('doesn't waver' - I mean doesn't vary), during the whole
meditation. But if I ask him what happened, he'll tell me a little
story!
Yesterday I saw N. and he told me, 'Oh! X had an experience
during the meditation with you this morning.' 'Ah!' I said to myself,
'This is going to be interesting.' (I was wrong to think so, by the way,
even for a quarter of a second.) 'Yes,' he told me, 'he saw what seemed
to be a transparent golden veil descending over you; and by your side
were flowers like roses, or colored like roses, with the feet of a child
upon them.'
All the 'psychics' tell you such stories! page 227 - Mother's Agenda, volume 2, 17th June , 1961 |
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X has written expressing his 'gratitude for all the revelations OF
THE SUPREME' he has had during his meditations with me.
This is something new he has accepted, because the Supreme
doesn't usually appear in tantrism - they are in contact with the Shakti
and don't bother about the Supreme. But here he has come to accept it.
He has tried very hard to understand. But his spiritual
conception has remained like this: one can - one MUST - master life, and
in life, to some extent, a certain adaptation to the higher forces can
be achieved; but there is no question of transformation: the physical
world remains the physical world. It can be a little better organized,
more harmonious, but there is no question of something else, of
divinization - no question at all.
And this is probably why there are things he can't make out in
his contact with me, because he simply doesn't understand. For example,
these physical disorders baffle him, they seem incompatible with my
realization. As long as the question of transformation does not come
into play, the realization I had was sufficient to establish a kind of
very stable order - reaction against the transformative will is what
causes these disorders. And this he does not understand - to him
something seems not to be functioning properly. He must feel a
contradiction between certain things he perceives in my consciousness
and my contact with the material world. 'This being this,' he thinks,
'that ought to be like that; so why...?' He doesn't understand. [[X's
astonishment raises an extremely important point, drawing the exact
dividing line between all the traditional yogas and the new yoga of Sri
Aurobindo and Mother. To a tantric, for example, it seems unthinkable
that Mother, with a consciousness so powerful as to scoff at the laws of
nature and command the elements (if she wishes), could be subjected to
absurd head colds or an eye hemorrhage or even more serious disorders.
For him, it is enough to simply lift a finger and emit a vibration which
instantly muzzles the disorder - yes, of course, but for Mother it is
not a question of 'curing' a head cold by imposing a higher POWER on
Matter, but of getting down to the cellular root and curing or
transforming the source of the evil (which causes death as easily as
head colds, for it is the same root of disorder). It is not a question
of imposing oneself on Matter through a 'power,' but of transforming
Matter. Such is the yoga of the cells. ]] page 312 - Mother's Agenda, volume 2, 8th Aug. , 1961 |
Don't let this visit ruffle you. Essentially, his approach has always seemed peripheral to me, just one part of an immense whole. It represents ONE aspect of the quest for the Divine on earth,[[ X symbolizes the Tantric quest. ]] and it is part of an entire line, like all the sannyasins, all the saddhus, and so on. X happens to have come closer because he has worshipped the Goddess of Love so much, the Shakti's aspect of Love, and that naturally led him here, brought him close, but.... I see it as part of a whole world - among many other things. You know, there's that festival celebrated every ten years, I think, when all the saddhus go to bathe in the Ganges[[ The Kumbhamela: when hundreds of thousands of ascetics and pilgrims go to bathe in the Ganges. ]]; I've seen all the photos - it's painful. It's ... it's painful. It is no more beautiful or harmonious than a stampeding mob in a revolution. It's ... there is no special grace. page 343 , Mother's Agenda , volume 3 , 8th Sept 1962 |
I remember, the first time I gave X [a Tantric] a flower, my fingers touched his and he almost jumped; then, when he went out, he said to someone that there was a kind of vibration or ... (I forget his words) a current, I don't know, which went through his whole body, like an electric current. He simply touched my fingers when I gave him the flower. I think all this is the same thing, only it's their material notation of the Fact. That's all. To their intelligence it becomes much more real and concrete, but it's the same thing. The Lord in electric vibrations! (Mother laughs) page 148 , Mother's Agenda , volume 8 , 17th May - 1967 |